Relationship Monday: 3 Things to Remember When You've Been Ghosted.

    Ghosting. It has to be one of the most popular dating terms of recent years. The official dictionary definition is to "end a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all forms of communication."  Sadly I think it's a safe assumption that most millennials that are actively dating (or I guess really anyone dating) in the last few years has experienced this a time or two.

      I unfortunately went through it again myself just a few months ago. Once the feelings of surprise and hurt had started to fade, it dawned on me that this might make a great Relationship Monday topic for the blog! I've written before about finding contentment with singleness, using dating apps as a Christian, awkward first dates, and many more relevant topics. But I haven't chatted on here about ghosting before- that's changing today!

My Story with Being Ghosted:
     I used dating apps off and on throughout all of 2019. After a brief relationship (from Bumble) ended in June, I took the rest of the summer off from dating apps, but then got back on a couple in the fall. In November, I made plans for first date with a guy that I was really excited to meet. From his profile he looked very handsome and quite accomplished, and I appreciated the fact that he put effort into his messages to me on the app and would respond promptly (it's a big pet peeve of mine when someone isn't that fun to message with or takes forever to respond!). I think our first date was going to be about two weeks after we had first matched and been chatting.
 
    I feel kind of bad to say this considering how this story ends... but truth is truth. The truth is my first date with this guy was one of the best first dates I've ever been on- if not THE best first date of my life! It's at least in the top three best ones for sure. We met up at a local winery, I got there a little bit before he did. When he walked in, I was immediately in shock that he was cuter than his dating app pictures! If you've done apps before, you know it's a 50/50 shot if guys even look like their pictures at all (I have found that often they are not nearly as cute), and it's truly rare to find someone that looks better in person than pictures on the app, haha. Anyways- besides for his good looks, he was wonderful to spend time with! Conversation came extremely easy from the second we said hello- there wasn't bit of one awkward silence. He came across as confident, kind, well-spoken, and absolutely hilarious. The whole time I kept thinking to myself "How is this date real life?", since I've had more than my share of not-so-great first dates in the past. Our conversation was going so well and naturally that we even ventured into a few topics that I don't always talk about on first dates- everything from our political views to our families and upbringing- so I knew I was really having a good time and feeling comfortable around him. We had dinner together in Downtown Charlottesville after going to the winery, and by the time I finally got back home later that evening I was literally giddy with excitement for having such a great first date. I seriously felt like I was living in a rom com- the whole evening seemed too perfect!
 
     Our second date was soon after, and I had a great time with him then as well. I still was really enjoying our conversations and learning more about him. Something that I noticed was that he kept mentioning throughout the evening on the second date about ideas that he'd like to do for our third date or future dates in 2020 after the craziness of the holidays passed (it was a couple weeks before Thanksgiving at this point).

     We texted a little bit on Sunday (the day after the second date), and then he sent me a couple Snapchats on Monday, which I responded to. Starting Tuesday of that week... nothing from him.
     I tried not to freak out at first- I reminded myself that he was probably busy at work, and that since it had only been two dates we didn't *need* to be talking all day every day yet. But then the whole day went by and I hadn't heard from him. And the next day went by, and then the next. By  Friday, I was super nervous since I hadn't heard from him since Monday! I don't love texting guys first when I'm just getting to know them (I'm a little old old school that way), but since it had been awhile since I'd heard from him at this point, I decided to text him first. I sent a brief but friendly message to check in. He did respond later that day, but his answer was super vague. I immediately had a really bad feeling. My friends that I showed it to told me that he was probably just busy at work and didn't have time to send a longer response, but my gut feeling told me something was different. This guy had been amazing and super intentional with his messages back on the app (and between our dates), and now it went to almost nothing.

    Over the next two weeks, I sent one more text and a couple snapchats (not all at once, I'd wait a few days before attempting each new message). No responses. My last attempt at reaching him was a Thanksgiving Day snap- and still no response. He had followed me on my private Instagram on our second date... and then I noticed that after Thanksgiving he had unfollowed me. 😐 Soon after I was removed as a Snapchat friend from him too. I started off the month of December feeling so confused and frustrated about this. Don't get me wrong- I know that it was only two dates and he wasn't my boyfriend! The reality is we still barely knew each other. As much as I did like him and feel immediate chemistry, he had every right in the world not to feel the same way about me. Sure I would've been bummed if he was up front and told me that, but that's a risk that comes with dating and putting yourself out there. It's not guaranteed to work out (especially when you meet on an app) and that's okay.

     But what wasn't okay and what I was so upset about is that he ghosted me. I went back and forth with myself and with a few close friends for much of December trying to figure out if it was worth it to try texting him again one more time just to ask him for some clarity on the whole situation. I ended up decided not to, and now I'm thankful I let it be and moved on by myself. And I've still never heard from him since!

    So anyways, that's my most recent personal experience from being ghosted. It happened to me senior year of college as well (also after two dates with someone), but I wasn't nearly as into him as I was with this guy, so this time definitely sucked more. Now that I've had a few months to think about and process everything, I wanted to make this a Relationship Monday topic and share with y'all three things that are important to remember if this happens to you.

   
3 Things to Remember When You've Been Ghosted:
     1. It's not you, it's them: I think it's extremely rude and disrespectful to ghost someone. Treat others like you'd want to be treated, right? Ghosting is taking the easy way out and avoiding confrontation and a possible awkward conversation. No one looks forward to discussions like that, but it's the adult thing to do. If someone ghosts you, they're the one that's being childish and immature. They have the right to stop seeing you, but that news should always be given in a respectful and clarifying way. I know firsthand that ghosting can lead to feelings of self-doubt and confusion- you immediately start analyzing everything that you did and said and wonder what you could have done differently. No matter what you did or said on your end that might have made the person not want to see you again- you 100% still didn't deserve to be ghosted! And chances are, you were perfectly lovely and awesome, and it's the other person's issue entirely that they can't be honest about where they are at. Remember that!! You always deserve respect in communication from someone you're seeing!
   
     2. Remember how it felt: Someday in the future, you might be in a situation where you have been on a few dates with someone and know that it isn't going anywhere. You might be tempted to take the easy way out and avoid an awkward conversation of telling them you don't want to see them again. You might be considering being the ghost! Here's what I say to that: don't do it! As tempting as it could be, remember how it feels to be on the other side of being ghosted. The person that you've been talking to or seeing doesn't deserve to feel the hurt and confusion that getting ghosted can cause.
      Here's my routine for telling a guy that I've been getting to know that I don't want to keep seeing him. If it's been just one or two dates, I think a text is totally appropriate. You still don't know the person that well so I don't think it has to be done in person or on a phone call. You can easily compose a brief yet well written text that lets the other person know you enjoyed meeting them but don't see the dates going forward. If it's been three dates or more, I think telling someone over the phone or in person would be preferred. And if you're actually in an official relationship with someone, in-person would be most preferred to end things of course! I've had friends whose boyfriends have literally broken up with them via text before and that boggles my mind. I think the text method for ending something is only appropriate very early on.

     3. Time will heal, and put yourself back out there: As I shared above, I was pretty bummed after Thanksgiving when I realized that the guy I was so excited about had ghosted me. I vented to girlfriends, prayed, cried a couple times and let myself be bummed for a couple days. But then I got back on the dating apps and started talking to other guys again! I wasn't going to let one rude thing happening taint me from still trying to put myself out there. I ended up chatting with a couple other guys for the rest of December, and while neither of those worked out, the first dates were still fun and I was proud of myself for getting back out there again. Now it's been a few months since I was ghosted, and it's not really bothering me as much anymore! Things just take a little time to get over.


     Have you been ghosted before? Or have you ever ghosted someone? I'd love to hear any stories you have with this dating topic!


     God Bless,


     xoxo Annaliese